The Other Side of Cray Cray

You know I had jokingly said that I should create the Cray Cray list, but there is a serious side.  The government has policies about employees and mental illness.  Certain clearances can be removed or denied based on your mental health.  However, some employees hide their illnesses because they understand the repercussions...

I met Denise while she was still a government contractor.  I always sensed that there was something different about her.  I used to refer to her as crazy Denise all the time, because although she seemed normal she seemed to dance to the beat of a different type of drummer.  Denise was a intelligent engineer, but, she would behave a little out of the ordinary and she used to confide in me about her issues. 

For example, one day, she told me about her fear of statues.  I had never met anyone afraid of statues.  That was odd to me.  I asked her why was she afraid of them, she told me that she didn't like them because they were so lifelike.  I had never met anyone with a fear of statues.  I didn't take her fear that seriously until one day when we were going to lunch at a Chinese restaurant that I used to like.  And, I forgot that there were statues on the side entrance of the restaurant.  She saw the statues at the side entrance of and screamed.  We had to walk around to the front of the building to go into the restaurant. 

There were other instances over the years. However, her problems really started escalating after she left a federal contract position and became a government employee.  She was unhappy about her life and in her marriage.  She had been dealing with the problems by praying.  Now, I believe in the power of prayer, but I believe in prayer and action as well.  I believe that God expects us to make an effort, even if it is just stepping out on faith.  She did not believe in counseling and she definitely did not believe in divorce.  So, she just prayed that things would change and she would no longer be unhappy, but that did not happen.  She became more and more miserable.  She decided to manage her problems by planning her suicide and funeral.  And, she had decided that I alone would be the person that she confided in.  She had started writing her own Obituary.  She would send me copies of it and ask me to critique it.  Also, she would tell me what she wanted for her funeral and will. She wanted to me to make sure that her instructions were followed after she died.  I thought that this was odd, because even though we had become friends, she had family that she saw on a regular basis.  She also had friends that had known her for a longer time than I had.  But, no one knew how unhappy she really was except me.  She also had a daughter, who was also unaware that that her mother was so unhappy.  I was the only one that she confided in, and it worried me.  I would try to talk her into seeking counseling, for herself, her daughter and for her marriage.  But, she didn't want to go; she used the excuse that Blacks don’t seek counseling. 

There were other beliefs that she had that blocked my ability to help her.  For example, she also believed that since I was divorced and had sinned against God (Her words not mine.), that I wanted her to get a divorce as well.  However, I didn't believe that divorce is the cure-all for bad relationships then, and I don’t now.  I believed that her problems consisted of more than just her marriage.  I also knew that all of the talk of suicide and death were a cry for help. 

One day, I got a call from Denise.  She was at the hospital.  She had attempted to kill herself by overdosing on pills; however, she made herself sick instead.  Her plan was to overdose and then get in the car and drive until she became unconscious.  Instead, she got a bad stomach ache and she drove herself to emergency, where the hospital had to pump her stomach.  She called me when she got to emergency.  When I went to the hospital, she already had a bed.  They had decided to keep her overnight, because they wanted to try to talk her into getting counseling.  But, she refused to provide the Social Worker any information.  So, the hospital was unable to help her.  When I asked Denise why, she told me that she could lose her clearance if it was reported that she tried to commit suicide.  So, she was crazy enough to try to take her life and maybe take someone else’s while driving, but not crazy enough to risk losing her job. 

Denise’s husband was at the hospital as well, the hospital called him after she was admitted.  But, she refused to tell him the real reason why she was there.  So, he showed up looking confused.  She just told him that she had an upset stomach.  She told her daughter the same thing as well.  Her daughter had wanted to go the movies.  She talked her husband into leaving her taking their daughter to the movies that night.  I was frustrated with Denise that night.  I was glad that she didn't succeed in killing herself that night, but I was concerned because she wouldn't accept counseling and she needed it. 

A few months later, Denise did find a Christian Counseling Center that she was comfortable with and the funeral and suicide conversations began to happen less and less.  But the depression was still there.  And I was still the only person that she would talk to when she wanted to discuss her funeral plans.  I decided that carrying the burden of her suicide secrets was too heavy to bear. 

I decided to break her promise of not letting her family know about her depression and the fact that she had tried to commit suicide.  I didn't tell her daughter, but I did tell her husband.  I told because I thought that she needed help and I wanted her to get it.  As a result, Denise stopped talking to me and she I have never seen her again.  However, considering that she told me that she would hurt me if I ever told anyone that she was planning to kill herself, I think that I got off easy.  

Resouces for Suicide Prevention
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
http://www.suicide.org/suicide-hotlines.html